


if i had only felt how it feels to be yours

by artsyleo



Series: comfortember 2020 [22]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Affection, Angst and Feels, Boys In Love, Character Study, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Public Display of Affection, Romantic Fluff, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:35:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27676826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: comfortember prompt day 22 - kisscallum's relationship with pda after he came out
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: comfortember 2020 [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995826
Comments: 2
Kudos: 56





	if i had only felt how it feels to be yours

**Author's Note:**

> tw for veeeery slight references to homophobia

Affection in public- it’s always been a  _ thing _ for Callum. When he was with Whitney it was a barrier, a way to convince people from the outside looking in that everything was fine. Something to hide behind, to convince others - and maybe even himself - that there was no secret. Later, it was something to show Ben up, to show him that Callum  _ wasn’t like him _ . It was a lie, an elaborate facade, of course, but that was a secret for him and maybe Ben to keep. 

It was his shield, his way to stop people getting too close to the truth. Of course, Ben had been the only one who had, and he’d seen through it like glass on the first try. 

_ That _ terrified him- the idea of being seen, back when he was still hiding. He’d never really had the chance to entertain being out, what with his dad’s influence hanging over him most of his life. It was something other people got to have, but something he’d managed to convince himself he never would. That was how it would be.

Ben had changed everything. Fuck, Ben had changed  _ him _ . 

It took him a while to realise that maybe that change was for the better. 

It wasn’t immediate of course. There were still weeks, months even, after him coming out that felt like constantly being watched and he couldn’t shake the thought of judgement. He knew, realistically, it wouldn’t come from most of the people on the square and even then it shouldn’t matter but his own mind had warped things, convinced him otherwise. It felt like finally giving in to a dream he’d told himself he could never have, and that in itself was terrifying enough. It had taken them a few dates to get it right, a few back-and-forths for them to be on the same page and maybe that contributed to it but when they did it reset something for Callum, in his mind, and now he knows that those feelings are something he’ll never forget. 

\- 

Callum can’t shake the feeling, can’t stop himself from looking around. It’s almost instinct at this point, as much as he hates it. He feels like a fool in front of Ben, feels like he’s cheating him out of something but he can’t help that there’s still this nagging in the back of his mind that  _ he shouldn’t be able to have this, that he shouldn’t be allowed to be happy like this _ . There’s this constant, perhaps irrational, thought that he still has to hide- like it’s some sort of punishment. 

He knows exactly whose influence it is that planted that doubt, and that just makes it all the more painful. 

“Cal?” Ben’s voice calls from beside him, hesitant. “What do you keep looking for?” 

Callum turns back, a blush racing up his face at being caught. “Oh, uh, nothing. Just- thinking.” 

A hand slips across the table to fall over his own where it's sat against his drink and he flinches away, almost instinct. His eyes shoot back to Ben, and he just catches the hurt that crosses his face. 

“Sorry,” Callum whispers, eyes falling to the table. “Sorry I just- uh, I don’t really know…”

“You’re nervous,” Ben says with certainty and Callum’s sure that there’s an edge of sympathy, of understanding to his voice. “It’s okay, I get it.” 

“What do you mean?” Callum asks quietly. 

“Callum, I don’t blame you,”Ben replies, and his hand shifts over the table again but stops just short, and he’s giving Callum the choice. “It’s difficult, the first few times. I promise it gets easier. People will get used to it soon enough. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.” 

Those words- they ring through his head, echo in his chest and settle in his heart, warming him because despite everything  _ no one’s ever said that to him _ , and somehow without Callum saying anything Ben’s said exactly what he needs to hear. He distantly wonders if that’s just because Ben knows what he would’ve liked to hear the first time he’d been out like this- if maybe it was something he hadn’t heard. When Ben speaks he says it with such surety that it gives Callum some confidence, that maybe this is possible. 

Callum nods a little, and he feels more confident when he slides his own hand across to meet Ben’s on the table. It’s a simple enough thing, but it sends his heart racing. 

Nothing happens, though. It’s just them. In that moment, no one else cares. No one comes to berate them, no one tells him he’s  _ wrong,  _ or that he should be  _ ashamed _ . And maybe it’s sad that that feels a little revolutionary to Callum but that’s just his past to settle with, and right now that’s not what’s important. 

So he leans forward, more towards Ben and takes hold of his jaw with his other hand, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. The same thoughts go through him, the same rush of energy, and when they pull away there’s only Ben, to offer him a small smile that says so much that feels too big for even this moment. 

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know if this one really makes sense bc its mainly just me garbling about coming out n shit n im tired but like i hope u enjoyed hehe  
> comments n kudos mean the world to me, and lots of love to you   
> leo x (im on tumblr @artsy-highway)


End file.
